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posted by: tab on: January 31st 2007 10:27 pm

VICE based their last issue around the mysterious and exciting topic of girls. I know all about em’, so I read it cover to cover to make sure they had their facts straight. While I’ll always disagree with some of their articles, I mainly loved the one about the girl who sends the gross stuff that comes from her body to weirdo’s on the internet and the overall alphabet of being a girl. The only thing is, the girl who wrote the alphabet was one of those chicks that wears boy briefs, has plaque, and takes a shit while her boyfriend cuts his toenails on the edge of the bathtub. I’m sorry, but that is one kind of girl and I am certainly another. I consider myself the right mix of girly girl and tree climbing, slingshot loving female. Here’s their alphabet from my point of view…


There is a rumor going around that girls like assholes. You know what, its true! But we only like them for a little bit. It’s the same way guys like bitches. Is it just me, or are cute, cool, and fun skaters that you are friends with and deserve a girl as equally dope as them (like me, or you, for example) always going out with the queen of the bitches? Slouchy boot wearing, eyeliner loving, tramp stamp rockin’ broads are always what they go for. We constantly try to understand, but now you know how your sweet friend, the ugly loser feels when you are dating a total piece of shit with a beautiful face.


Guys, don’t even try to understand. If you are a female (dykes don’t really count) this movie was put on earth for you and your friends to memorize the lines and randomly do spirit fingers. If you don’t know what spirit fingers are, just kill yourself. Bring it on triggered all those wack movies about stepping and being in a marching band. This was back in the days when Kirtsen Dunst wore Sketchers!


Not my term, I’ve never even heard of it before, but I know what it means. You find excerpts from this kind of reading in the back of Cosmopolitan. It usually involves a hot and smart babe with a very good paying job in the field of arts or business (obviously fiction) who meets the most amazing guy and includes terribly graphic “love making” scenes. The over-use words like shaft and member to keep it from being a tittie mag. Its like watching sex and the city, except its all crammed on paper so you realize how much of a waste of brain cells you really are. You’re better off reading the Biography of Stanley Kubrick, at least I think so.


How could they say girls love diet soda? It tastes better? Does it really, lady? Because I think it tastes like splenda and water mixed together. A better “D” for girls would be “DADDY”. I LOVE my Daddy more then the whole world, way more then diet soda.


Hasn’t every girl had one, or at least dreamed of having one? I wanted one when I was like 13 or something. There used to be something cool about them. Girls just love to be victims. Then as you get older, your mind either grows or regresses. Luckily mine grew and I no longer want peoples pity on the subject of food. As a matter of fact, can I get a hamburger with caramelized onions, a large coke, and disco fries please?


Yes, it is a form of art. Some girls are good at it, some are better, and some are just terrible. The key is to be subtle and not go for it too hard. Putting your hand on the shoulder or knee, giggling, looking at someone from across the room – good flirting. Calling dude 10 times a day, following him around the club, unsuspectingly showing up on his stoop – bad flirting. Flirting isn’t about being a slut either, don’t get make it too hot or you become a tease.


What’s fucked up about gossip is that you don’t realize you did it until after you do it. And it comes out of nowhere. “I love my new apartment!” “Oh my God I know. Wait, did you hear about Laquisha? She woke up in her apartment and saw the guy she had a one night stand with stealing her cat!” “what a slut!” “oh, I know”. Once it’s out there, it becomes a game of telephone. Everybody has their own version of the story. Contrary to popular belief, girls don’t gossip nearly as much as dudes do. If you really wanna know whats goin on in the neighborhood, get a bunch of guy friends and youll be clued in.


We spend so much on these little devils. What happens is we see a pair we love and begin imagining all these outfits it would look cute with or all these scenarios where you would look really sexy in them, and you end up paying $900 for a fucking fantasy! Never again! If you’re a hot bitch and you’re wearing sneakers (nice ones) guys get so confused that they just freak out and ask you to marry them. If you’re kind of whatevs, don’t go wear heels and make people think you wish you were cuter. Just play off your whateverness with dope sneakers and a really funny joke or trick that gets everyone to love you! There’s always sales!


Ice cream isn’t very cute when you’re crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s on the couch and watching Maury, but what about when you’re strolling down the block with a cone or ice pop in hand in the summertime? The funnest part is continuously applying it to your lips to make ice cream lipstick.


In 5th grade, Judy Blume was the God of me, my girlfriends, and just about every other seemingly normal little girl in America. She talked about kissing, Playboy, boobies, and getting your period. She wrote “chick lit” for little chicks! “Are you there God? Its me Margaret” turned me into a pre-teen. I looked through it while waiting for the bathroom in a library the other day and it was the stupidest shit I ever laid my eyes on. I guess I didn’t follow Blume’s ways, which may explain why I’m a hopeless fuck up now.


This is in no way an attempt to degrade women by saying we are always on our knees, but don’t all girls have such bruised knees? Mine are all purple and shit from falling on them for 16 years. Maybe it’s just me?


These days, there are all sorts of funky flavors and smells for lip balm. That’s great news, considering lipstick is for old women who don’t kiss anymore and lip gloss is for 12 year old girls who really want bras. Lip balm is just smooth and tasty and smells like raspberries. It also makes for great eyebrow moisturizer.

M – MEAN GIRLS (the movie)

The Vice girls were right about this one. I know guys in jail who fucking love this movie. Lindsay Lohan was so much cooler when she made this. Gretchen Wieners and her dad who is the inventor of toaster strudel? This movie was perfectly executed. Except I think they should make another one where Lindsay plays the same role but the Plastics are called The Concretes and they go to high school in the Bronx, and theyre all black or Dominican. Nice, right?


Hell yes. Titties are the shit. They should be soft, cute, happy and real. Fake tits are a no-go. Girls who get fake tits are really wack and have basically sold their body for the necessity to be accepted and loved by men. There may be some exceptions, but not many excuses are valid. At the end of the day its just gonna be you and your hard, silicone titties. Not exactly girls best friend.

O – “OMG”

You know you’re either a real girl or a big fag if you catch yourself saying “OH EM GEE!” out loud. I guess I am a bit of both, because I’ve also said “EL OH EL” once or twice before. They’re definitely going to bury me in the special section of the cemetery!


Unless you’re a real punk rock bitch or you grew up with an uncle who is one of the dopest DJ’s in Paris, then you don’t know who she is. She is the front girl of X-RAY SPEX, an excellent 70’s punk band, and looks like a zombie from space. SHE HAD BRACES! (for “P”, see also Paula Abdul smoking crack)


Vice bitches couldn’t have said it better, surveys and quizzes on myspace are just there to send subliminal messages to boys you have crushes on and nothing other.


When I was littler, rainbows didn’t stand for what they do today. They still haven’t lost their touch though. I still fantasize about sparkly rainbow stickers with clouds and stars at the end. I might have some in my Sandy Lion sticker book.

If this was an all over print, I'd actually rock it!


I LOVED Sailor Moon when I was 10 years old. I really wanted to be Chinese or Japanese or whatever the fuck her and her friends were. My friend Kaylah and I really loved her. Then Kaylah started pretending to speak Japanese and making up stories that she went to Japan a lot and we stopped hanging out. I saw her a while back in our hood and we pretended to not know each other. She has a baby now.


Vice girls think these are slutty and nasty. But they have panty lines and stinky Grandpa underwear. Dude, we are not trying to impress guys with them. We’re trying to avoid looking like a pork roast with those ropes tied around us making our fat jut out (panty lines). “Do your kids go to pre-school in a casino?” What, because I wear a thong? I don’t have children bitch, but are your kids Amish, with fucking bloomers and panty hoes? What are you, a Hasidic woman? That kind of shit is just silly.


They’re a little scary, realistically. However, when they’re all my little pony style, they just nay “girl!”.


Every girl needs a virgin friend (that’s me). Once in a while you’ll find yourself in a terrible predicament involving sex and youll turn to a girl like me who will not give a fuck and tell you that guys are weird and gross and that ordering pizza and watching Seinfeld is a way better life decision. You might fight back, but with time you’ll learn to just give in.


Vice girls don’t know whats up on the matter. (MARIA BONITA, PRINCE & ELIZABETH, $47 DOLLARS, ASK FOR REGINA).


George once made up a fake boyfriend for Elaine so he could tell Susan he was helping her with guy troubles so he could dip on Susan and the supposed “trouble” (Elaines idea) was about how he was an importer exporter, and how he solely wanted to import, but Elaine felt exporting was just as important. Trust me, its more important then it sounds.


Katt Williams was right, you gotta be the shit to you before you’re the shit to anybody else.


“Oh God, I totally don’t believe in that crap” yet every month you are reading about your sign in about 50 different magazines. Let me tell you what your horoscope is, bitch. You’re going to have some trouble at work, it will effect your love life, you may lose or gain a pound. Wow, that sounds just like me! No shit, you and every other person with a vagina on Earth.

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3 comment/s for blog ID#: 481

was / Posted on: February 04th 2007 12:51 pm
i'd pay to read your abc's.

whaddupma / Posted on: February 01st 2007 03:46 pm
this entry is so wildly beyond genius i had to link it !

tristetigre / Posted on: February 01st 2007 02:00 pm
Regina is my girl!

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